She Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins!

Recently my friend Mistress Chaos (isn't that a great name?) wrote a great piece that she called 'Essay on Advice'. It is a collection of truisms about the lifestyle that some of us take for granted and more of us probably should know but don't.

I have her permission to share portions of her writing with you here on my blog but for today I just want to talk about one thing that she said. It is something that I have believed for a long time. She said:

A great Dominant/Top doesn't need any toys.

Wait.. What?? You mean no flogger, paddles, whips, crops, canes, chains, ropes,cuffs,latex, leather, plugs, clips, clamps or other assorted evil devices and implements?

Exactly. Toys do not make a good Dominant or Top. A good dominant is defined by what is inside.

Let me digress a bit and talk about the two labels. Dominant here is being defined as someone who is control of another person for more than just a single limited scene. Top is being used as someone who is in control of another person for a limited, pre-defined space of time during a particular scene. It is a matter of scope and for this discussion these definitions are sufficient.

If you have been around for any length of time and have ever attended any public parties you have seen the toy people. They arrive with their subs..bags and rolling carts in tow. They spend at least 10 minutes unpacking the bags and setting up the toy stands with half a dozen sets of matched floggers in a range of styles and colors. Everyone watches -- heck, I do too, it's fun to see what they have.. lol. Finally after everything is set up, the submissive is secured to the equipment and the scene begins. The toys are worked through one at a time in precise order.... It really is lovely to watch and quite impressive.

It can also be a bit intimidating. When I was a new dominant, I went to a rather large gathering and watched many such scenes. They were awesome. And I thought.. How am I ever going to be a good dominant? I can't afford any toys like that --(have you ever priced a good set of floggers???) No one would ever take me seriously with my piddly little toybag and the few things I was able to collect or make.

So somewhat out of defiance, I decided that I would learn to be a dominant without the need for toys at least 75% of the time. I learned to use my brain, getting into my sub's head, learning what he wanted and what triggered him and using that to play with him and draw him in and out of subspace. I learned to use my hands, my fingernails, my body... the use of personal space, a look...a tone of voice. I learned to use timing. When certain things are done can make the ordinary very erotic.

I did get some toys and I have a small collection that I use. But they are more supplementary to everything else. I love the ones I have and I am always looking for more interesting ones, but I'm glad that I learned this truth early on and didn't get too discouraged and give up because of my original belief that I needed to have all that to be a good dominant.

Whenever you have a chance to get yourself good toys, do so. And learn how to use them safely and with skill. Watch what I call the 'toy people' play. You will learn a lot. But don't get confused like I was at first thinking that is what makes a dominant. The toys are only one tool among many...fun and enriching, but not necessary to be an excellent dominant.