She Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins!

Recently my friend Mistress Chaos (isn't that a great name?) wrote a great piece that she called 'Essay on Advice'. It is a collection of truisms about the lifestyle that some of us take for granted and more of us probably should know but don't.

I have her permission to share portions of her writing with you here on my blog but for today I just want to talk about one thing that she said. It is something that I have believed for a long time. She said:

A great Dominant/Top doesn't need any toys.

Wait.. What?? You mean no flogger, paddles, whips, crops, canes, chains, ropes,cuffs,latex, leather, plugs, clips, clamps or other assorted evil devices and implements?

Exactly. Toys do not make a good Dominant or Top. A good dominant is defined by what is inside.

Let me digress a bit and talk about the two labels. Dominant here is being defined as someone who is control of another person for more than just a single limited scene. Top is being used as someone who is in control of another person for a limited, pre-defined space of time during a particular scene. It is a matter of scope and for this discussion these definitions are sufficient.

If you have been around for any length of time and have ever attended any public parties you have seen the toy people. They arrive with their subs..bags and rolling carts in tow. They spend at least 10 minutes unpacking the bags and setting up the toy stands with half a dozen sets of matched floggers in a range of styles and colors. Everyone watches -- heck, I do too, it's fun to see what they have.. lol. Finally after everything is set up, the submissive is secured to the equipment and the scene begins. The toys are worked through one at a time in precise order.... It really is lovely to watch and quite impressive.

It can also be a bit intimidating. When I was a new dominant, I went to a rather large gathering and watched many such scenes. They were awesome. And I thought.. How am I ever going to be a good dominant? I can't afford any toys like that --(have you ever priced a good set of floggers???) No one would ever take me seriously with my piddly little toybag and the few things I was able to collect or make.

So somewhat out of defiance, I decided that I would learn to be a dominant without the need for toys at least 75% of the time. I learned to use my brain, getting into my sub's head, learning what he wanted and what triggered him and using that to play with him and draw him in and out of subspace. I learned to use my hands, my fingernails, my body... the use of personal space, a look...a tone of voice. I learned to use timing. When certain things are done can make the ordinary very erotic.

I did get some toys and I have a small collection that I use. But they are more supplementary to everything else. I love the ones I have and I am always looking for more interesting ones, but I'm glad that I learned this truth early on and didn't get too discouraged and give up because of my original belief that I needed to have all that to be a good dominant.

Whenever you have a chance to get yourself good toys, do so. And learn how to use them safely and with skill. Watch what I call the 'toy people' play. You will learn a lot. But don't get confused like I was at first thinking that is what makes a dominant. The toys are only one tool among many...fun and enriching, but not necessary to be an excellent dominant.

Representing My Community

We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Martin Luther King, Jr.

And nowhere can I see this more clearly than in the community of kinksters.

OK, if you simply live out your kink between yourself and your significant other in your own bedroom and never communicate with anyone else about it, I suppose this doesn't apply. But if you are even reading this, my guess is that's not the case.

Anyone who spends any time getting out into the kinky community starts seeing the web of relationships that develop. I remember as a new person at munches being introduced around. "This is Dom Z.. he is married to sub Y, and sub X also serves him, but she only sees him on weekends as she is bisexual and also married to her female partner sub W-- occasionally they also include sub Q in their play. Sub Q is currently single but she used to belong to Mistress L, who recently has come out as a switch and is playing with Dom V and Dom R, but she is also now mentoring Sub G who also used to play with to Dom Z before sub Y came into the picture." ....WHOOOOAAAA! Confusing isn't it.

At this point, your eyes sort of glaze over and you give up trying to figure it out. The point is, not who is with who. There is nothing wrong with the above scenario. There is lots of love and fun to be spread around and in the scene one of the attractions is the ability to explore that. Who is with who is ultimately people's personal business in the end.

The point I am making is simply exactly what Dr. King was saying. We are VERY interwoven in this community. That while there are quite a few of us, it does tend to be a small, intimate kinky little world. What does affect one of us really does many times affect more than one and in the bigger picture, it can affect many.

We are all responsible, both submissives and dominants to play responsibly. Because we are a community in the minority and one that is misunderstood by pretty much everyone outside of the community, we have a responsibility to represent ourselves in such a way that does not put the whole community or others we play with in a bad light.

Think about it. You might not think that your actions are scrutinized that closely, but they can be. It is not just how we act in public, but our private actions also. Because it is such a small community, and because intimate groupings do fluctuate frequently (as in the example above), people do talk and share things that happened to them previously. So there is no guarantee that things that happened in private stay that way. Some do kiss and tell. Sometimes this is unfortunate, but sometimes, when someones actions in private are dangerous and harmful, this is actually a good thing, so that others might know to be careful in the future.

In other cases, if you are known to be kinky by vanilla friends, you could be the only one that a non-lifestyle person knows. How you act can be representative of the entire bdsm community for that person. You could be the one who shows them by your actions that it is a wonderful lifestyle or leaves them with a bad taste in their mouth. When I was much younger and religious there was a saying 'you may be the only bible someone reads' -- it fits here.

How we conduct ourselves, how we represent the community and how we treat others within it - hopefully always with honor, responsibility and respect -- will say much about who we are and will ultimately help to shape the community around us. It will make the difference between a thriving community with all members pulling together or a community where there is strife and discord.

Explore or Turn Away?

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.

Frank Herbert

How true.

How often in the scene we run across people who are into different things than ourselves. How do we react?

There are two main reactions that most people have. We are either open and curious, or we are dismissive and turn away. One path leads to greater knowledge. The other, closes us off from knowledge and possibly from other people and opportunities.

Granted, there are some pretty wild kinks out there. Some of them seem pretty strange, funny or scary to us. But to the people who practice them, who are turned on by them and who embrace them, they are very important.

Sometimes we can't help our initial recoil or negative reaction to hearing of someones fetish or kink that we are unfamiliar with. We are human and a lot of us came into the scene after years of vanilla upbringing. It's not that we aren't willing to learn, but sometimes we get surprised by things when they hit us in the face unexpectedly.

Following is a post originally written in September of 2007. When I first met my love, I was unaware of his 'fem' side. It came as a bit of a shock. I had a choice to make. The question I had to ask myself was "Do I run away because it was not something I was used to, because I didn't understand it, or do I stay and learn about it?"....

Read on:

Life with a crossdresser....6 months later. So what's it like?

I wondered that when I first learned that my carina was...well, my 'carina'...lol

I was used to 'guys' and 'girls' and sure I had gay friends and lesbian friends and stuff, but what would life actually be like when you loved someone who was not locked into a specific society approved gender role?

I must admit, it was a challenge at first.. I researched gender roles and gender bending and gender crossing. I read everything I could find, I looked at pictures and talked to TV's and CD's and anybody who would listen...

What did I find?

I found what I guess I really knew all along. That we are all in some way a mix of male and female, some way at one end or the other, the rest somewhere in between. And that's just the beginning

What I also found(and no disrespect to those at the far ends, in societies 'approved roles') is that those in the middle, who are more of a blend of male and female, while maybe a bit odd and confused at times, are some of the most honest, courageous, funny and enjoyable people I have ever known.

Practically, living with a person of 'mixed gender' is absolutely delightful! I have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, all in one. We share makeup, we pick out panties together (hmmm..hers are prettier than mine too..I'm always jealous! lol), she has great taste in jewelry, clothes, etc.... and yet I still get doors opened for me, and he can do all that 'guy' stuff! It's awesome. I have the best of both worlds!

I adore my carina, as a man, as a girl, (s)he is both and neither, something in between, carina is a unique individual. Carina wears boy clothes sometimes and girly things sometimes depending on which she feels like(except panties, those are almost every day). The other day, I told her or him (I sometimes use the adjectives interchangeably) "Sometimes I don't even notice when you wear girly things, but I definitely DO notice when you have not worn girly things for a while, because i miss seeing you looking so pretty!" lol. Never imagined I would feel that way.

He took his boat out and went fishing today.. and when he got home he said "I wore boy underwear today" (He wears panties almost exclusively now) so I said joking "Oh, so if you drowned and they found you they wouldn't find you in panties?", she says.. "Oh, no! I didn't want to get all icky, fishing in my pretty things!".. I just howled.. it was precious!!!

So living with a person of mixed gender is pretty much wonderful...I'm not sure how I got so lucky to not just know him, but to be loved by her too. I look forward to a lifetime of watching him develop and grow, the gurl inside blossoming after a lifetime of living only inside of him, watching carina become a whole person, neither just male, nor just female but beautiful blending of both. I see both when I look at him (How i wish there were an adjective for those in the middle, because neither 'him' nor 'her' really fit my carina to me...oh well..some day when the world becomes more tolerant)

I love you my carina -- and here I am 6 months later - and I'll still be here 6 years later and beyond.

And beyond that. Loving him, because I was confronted with something I didn't understand and was willing to learn and gain the knowledge instead of turning away because I didn't understand it.

I'm no saint. There are lots of kinks I don't understand and never will quite 'get' or want to be a part of. There are several kinks that totally squick me and just give me the willies. But there is no harm in accepting them enough to learn about them. So often when we do, we find new worlds opened up to us and new avenues of learning. We find new people who come into our lives and enrich it in ways that wouldn't have happened had we turned away without exploring.

Be open to discovery. Force yourself if necessary. I'll pretty much guarantee you won't be disappointed!

But you don't LOOK Dominant...

You are right. I probably don't.

But I am dominant and I am served. Full time by one and part time by others. Each of them is a joy to me. I am served daily and I am served well.

I don't walk around wearing leather. I'm not a bitch - well, most of the time I try not to be. I run a pretty democratic household. My husband and I make decisions together, and he is in charge of quite a few things.

But what is a Dominant really. A Dominant is one who does things his or her way, and who has thier submissives serve them in the ways they wish to be served.

I don't want my submissives crawling about kow-towing to me all day long.. that is just tiresome. I don't want to be worring about thier every action and directing them every moment of the day.

I want submissives who are self-directed, who have the brains and intelligence to study me, to learn my ways and wants. The need to know me so well that most times they can figure out what will please me without my having to tell them. If they don't know what to do in a particular case, they will have the sense to ask.

So no, I don't walk around ordering people about. I appear rather subdued and relaxed. My submissives appear quite dominant at times, making decisions for me, occasionally even directing me, taking charge of things, making decisions for themselves. Ultimately however, if any of those things are contrary to my will, they will be corrected.

My life is easier and enriched because of the excellent service I recieve... because I am a dominant served by wonderful submissives. Isn't that what it's about in the end?

The best service, is service you don't have to think about.

Responsibility...or....which is easier?

When I first discovered the lifestyle, I met lots of interesting folks. From talking with them, I got the impression that being a sub was the hard part. After all, as a sub, you are the one who serves, who is at the Master/Mistresses beck and call, who suffers, who receives punishment and reward, sometimes on a whim.

I had the impression from the first few folks I talked with that being the Master/Mistress was a piece of cake. It was described to me as sitting back and receiving, you got all the benefit and none of the work and if it wasn't done right, you just straightened the subs sweet little ass out.

Boy was I wrong!

Going deeper into the lifestyle, away from surface values and impressions, I find that it is exactly the reverse. Not that the sub doesn't have it difficult sometimes, they do, especially if they find themselves serving a capricious or temperamental Master/Mistress. A good sub is a very strong person, they have to be and they deserve respect (even when you are humiliating them) However, in many ways the subs position can be the easier.

IMHO, it is sometimes easier to give up control to another, than to be the one in control.

A good Master or Mistress is always thinking, always devising clever games, always watching and gauging, always weighing words and actions according to the needs of their subs. That is not to say that they are fake, but that they need to be aware and responsible for every word and action.

Too much damage can be done to a sub if a Master/Mistress is not aware at all times of where their sub is at, emotionally, mentally and physically. The responsibility, if one is to really take being Dom(me) seriously and not just as a game, is truly awesome. 'Hurt' is not only part of it, but it is pretty much expected and desired. 'Harm' is a totally different issue.

That someone (your sub) would give you that kind of trust, demands that you take it seriously, demands that you spend a good portion of your waking moments caring for that sub. The amount of time varies of course on whether your sub is part time or 24/7, however, planning and consideration of all factors surrounding your sub and your relationship and time together is essential.

As a Domme with a very loved and valued submissive husband -- and other submissives upon occasion, all of whom I care for very much or they would not be my submissives,-- this responsibility is not a burden, but a joy to me. But I never forget who I am, who they are and that I do have a serious responsibility to them. Accepting any submissive without accepting this responsibility, to me is dangerous, and cruel. Several I have taken on under protection or consideration or as submissives, have ultimately moved on for various reasons, but I never started a relationship with out a deep knowledge of the responsibility I bore toward them.

There are all levels of BDSM.. from casual, occasional play between an established couple, to pro-Domme's and the like, to true sadists and masochists.

However, I believe that at some point, if it moves any distance from the occasional bedroom game (and even then there is a responsibility for the duration of the 'game') One must seriously look at the responsibility involved. The dominant should try to gauge if they have the strength and desire to first accept it and to make the commitment to themselves and to their submissive to continue with it until such time as both agree it should stop and not just drop it on a whim later on if they grow tired or bored with it.

I'm not saying that people don't change and that as relationships progress, oftentimes things do not work out. But a Dominant must not take D/s relationships lightly in the beginning and must enter into them with responsible intentions.

We play with real people here. Real emotions, real lives, real minds....and we can either bring healing and joy or do real damage. I think we all need to keep that in mind. I know I do constantly.

Thoughts on Submission

I was asked recently "What does submission mean to you?" A very good question

Submission is so much more than the 'games' we play (and don't go all indignant at me because I call it games!)

There are those who allow their body to be bound, whipped, used, humiliated, etc., but have not even taken the first real step in submission. They may never take that step, no matter how many 'scenes' they are part of, or what submissive sounding words come out of their mouths.

Submission truly has nothing to do with whips and cuffs and crawling about on the floor.

Submission, when it is real, is a change of heart. Changing from "I" want to focusing on what another wants. There is still an "i". There must be because a submissive heart is not a robot heart that simply follows instructions. The true submissive heart is well aware that they exist as a separate entity from their Dom(me). However, they are also aware that they may not only be lower casing the "i" in written conversation, but that they will also be lower casing it in their thinking.

It is not a simply a giving up of your will to anyone for no reason. When you simply give up your will, you become a rag doll. Quite possibly there are Dom(me)s out there that wish to own a rag doll, but rag dolls tend to be a bit flip-floppy and not very stimulating.

Submission is in its deepest form a purposeful gift of your will to a dominant or to those you choose to give it to. As a submissive, it is YOUR choice who you will give it to.

I love the sissy boys who submit to a strong woman, fully knowing their own will. Knowing, for example, that they want and need to be girly, but then gifting that will, that want, that need, to a strong woman (or man) who will then form them and guide them in the fulfillment of that desire.

I love the submissive who is his/her own person, who would gift the Dom(me) with that strength of character for their enjoyment or use. I firmly believe that if a submissive is not a strong person, this role in life will eat them up, and I personally do not have a taste for cannibalism.

As to the 'games' we play. The act of submitting to another physically can be a catalyst to, or a sign of submission, but it is not submission in and of itself.

Submission is an act of will, not only an act of body.

Submission requires respect for oneself as well as for one's Dom(me). I insist on it in any that wish to serve, or who come to me to talk of their submissive desires.

I find it maddening that online, those who feel submissive will allow themselves to be abused (and many times it is abuse) by Dom(me)s to prove how submissive they are. I hold the Dom(me)s equally accountable in these situations. That's not submission. It may be a touch of masochism, but does not necessarily mean you are submissive in the least. Masochism and submission are not the same thing.

When you manipulate a relationship to get what you want out of it, that is not submissive either. That is topping from the bottom and as far from true submission as it gets.

"Mistress, please humiliate me!" I receive emails, etc., like that from people I've never met. Well, hello and excuse me! I am the Dominant, and I will humiliate you if "I" wish to, not because you ask me to...duhhh!

I will chose what to do with you, not you (if you really ARE submissive). That is my 'role' as Dominant. If I wish to allow my sub release daily, that does not make me any less Dominant than if I keep him in chastity for weeks. If he expresses a wish for pain, I may flog him because I know he wants it, or I may not. If I do, it does not make me less Dominant, because he knows, he can always express his needs and wants, but it is my choice to decide if he should have those fulfilled or not. Conversely, if I decide to flog him for no apparent reason, if he is truly submissive, he willingly takes my whip or paddle, even if that was not on his agenda for the evening.

So submission to me can be seen on the surface, but what shows on the surface has to be just the tip of the iceberg if that submission is real.

I welcome your thoughts. I am always happy to discuss my ideas about BDSM practices and theory. Just leave me a comment with an email where you can be reached.

Finding the Lifestyle in Real Life

This blog is reposted here thanks to my freind SUGAR (the wise observer) who wrote an excellent blog back in July 2007, a bit of which I am going to quote below. It made me think, which you already know I belive is a wonderful thing...

"I have observed many unions that are both online and up close and personal. None have touched me more than those who are devoted and expressive. Demonstratively showing their love and professing their devotion in word and deed. The D/s relationships hold cherished and protected places in both Dom/Domme and submissive alike.....(some removed)..... Respect is the order of the Day! ...(some removed)...Folks who genuinely believe in a lifestyle and all that it is. I see the integrity and the strength through the informative, stimulating, and challenging blogs. I am in awe of the character of some and the lack in others. " (by Sugar)

What is the 'lifestyle' about? Is it really about the leather, the flogging, the clothing, the words, the ritual? Or is this just part of it?

Isn't the D/s lifestyle, whether Master/sub or Mistress/Sub more about the respect, integrity and peace and cherishing that comes from the power exchange being played out in O/one's life?

I have to agree with Sugar. It sometimes awes me when I read the blogs of those who really believe in it and live it, not as a storybook/fantasy life, but daily. I have been inspired by Dom(me)s and Subs alike. They write reality about their exsistance and finding out who they really are through living out what may have begun as fantasy but which has now become real.

The reality can come as a slap in the face, or it can come as a fulfillment of all you ever wanted. I have seen one happen and lived the other.

There are some who cannot let go of their own fantasies or agendas to accept the reality of the lifestyle. (both D and s) They continue to search, and hopefully one day they will find that perfect O/other that will fulfill all their needs.

There are some, who while still searching do find the O/one who fulfills. Maybe not every scripted fantasy, but the very need that underlies it, in their own unique way. It requires strength, forgiveness, patience, caring, sacrifice and always, always respect. It is not easy, because I don't think anyone will be able to meet another's every script, but it is well worth it.

I do not claim that "My" way is the only way, but in the life of my sub and I we do cherish and protect our lifestyle and each other and we are also inspired by others who do.

What makes me a "Dominant"

Quoting M'Lady Aileana "It's not the leather,paddles,whips and chains that make the Dominant it's the mind and heart delighting in the responses"

Wow, does that say it or what!? I have been thinking about this quote since M'Lady posted it. It means a lot to me, an a-typical Domme.

I don't own any leather clothing (paddles, floggers and chains...welll..um...yeah...grin), I have one pair of killer boots that may kill me, if I fall off them because I can't handle heels.. lol and I don't think I could make someone tremble in fear.

I operate more from a 'Queen-Mother-Goddess' stance. I protect, I instruct, I tease, I withhold, I reward, I experiment and push and I discipline when necessary, and more with words than physical punishment.

I find my pleasure as a Dominant, in seeing the responses, in hearing the sighs, the wimpers, the moans, in watching my dear little one drop to the floor at my feet out of love, respect and worship.

I find my pleasure in the way my little one is solicitous, and attentive when I have denied him release for days and days. I find my pleasure in the control my little one shows and the responsibility in informing me when the cage is needed if I have neglected to cage him...what a good little one!

I find pleasure in the trust I have that if i do ask something, it will be accomplished. I find very much pleasure in him wanting to care for me, to serve me in the little things...doing the laundry and cleaning, (which I know he hates), cooking wonderful food for me, driving me -because I'd much rather be 'driven' places than drive myself.

I find pleasure in experimenting (carefully..always carefully) with new techniques, new 'games' during our playtime.

I have one picture, (which I will not post as I will not post my little one's face online), where she is laying on the floor, her pretty feminine corset, etc., totally rumpled...spent...a huge silly grin on her face.

This is a photograph that delights me! That is my "mind and heart delighting in the response". How could any dominant. who cares for her sub, not delight in seeing her little one's joyful response to an evening's play? Seeing him disheveled, pretty, giggling with joy and at peace.

I find my dominance in my little one's eyes...from there it moves to my heart and becomes part of me, allowing me to continue growing into the dominant woman I am.

Maybe someday I'll buy some leather, but it won't make me any more of a dominant than I am without it. And if I were to throw out all my paddles and toys (don't worry, NOT gonna happen..lol) I would be just as dominant as I am with them.

Thank you M'Lady, it is a wonderful quote!



(JUST A NOTE: Since this writing, I now own leather, more paddles, whips, toys etc.. and several more pairs of boots.. it doesn't make me any more Dominant ...although I LOVE all of it.....and it is still the responses of my submissive(s) that thrill me more than anything else!)

Switching.. Nature vs....?

I am a Dominant, but love being sexually submissive...grin. I have definite sadistic tendencies and totally enjoy causing another discomfort, but also enjoy being tied, and being on the recieving end of a healthy flogging.

So, does this make me a switch? Maybe. Or maybe it just makes me a Dominant who enjoys bottoming occasionally.

Those of you who have known me for a long time, know that at one time I thought of myself as a submissive...only because I had never found an outlet for my Dominance. I had never been encouraged to let myself feel and express the things I kept hidden. You also know that in living 'submissively' outside of the lifestyle, I was a shell of a person, having no idea who or what I was. Once in the lifestyle, I brought that 'submissiveness' with me and just assumed that I was a sub.

As I have grown into my Dominance, I find a lovely Lady exists in me that I always had a sense of, but never knew. A Lady who is still sometimes tentative (A tentative dominant? Yes, it's possible.) but growing nicely.

But does that mean that when one finds his/her Dominance (or conversely I suppose, it could be looked at in the opposite direction, one who originally considered themselves to be Dominant heading into the submissive lifestyle)that he or she leaves everything submissive behind? That all the things once enjoyed about being submissive are forgotten? I don't think so.

I believe if you once enjoyed being tied and flogged, you may still enjoy it even when you also enjoy tying and flogging another. If you once enjoyed pain, you will still enjoy pain. It may be that the circumstances in which you enjoy these things may be different, or the frequency in which you enjoy them may have changed, but I don't think they just turn 'off'.

While I LOVE the sexually dominant role and activities, I get just as hot as ever from a submissive fantasy or act. Could I live as a submissive now? NO, not since the 'dominant' has been released. Just try putting genie back in her bottle! It would be nearly impossible I think. However, would I enjoy being flogged, taken, teased, and possibly serve another occasionally? Most definitely! However, now I would do it on MY terms.

So I'm not so sure that I am a real switch, or if I just enjoy relaxing into the role of bottom for a bit now and then. I do know it is more than just a want, that there are times I really feel a pull toward the role, but it is not so much of a need that I would suffer if it is not fulfilled immediately. The wonderful thing about this lifestyle is that there are so many opportunities to fulfill needs and wants in various ways. We can continue learning and exploring exactly who we are even when that changes over time.

Definitions

As always, my random thoughts.. without real beginning or definite ending...

I'm a 'Dom'
I'm a 'Master'
I'm a 'Top' I'm a 'FemDom'
I'm a 'sub'
I'm a 'bottom'
I'm a 'slave'
I'm a 'switch'
I'm 'straight', I'm 'lesbian', I'm 'gay', I'm 'heteroflexible', I'm a 'masochist', I'm a 'sadist'..I'm..I'm....I'm 'confused'!!!!!

I often wonder why do most of us as human beings, and in this case human beings in the scene, feel the need to define ourselves so rigidly?

When I first realized and accepted that I was outside the vanilla norm accepted by society, I considered myself a submissive. I figured because I had always served my husband, my boss, my children, my neighbors, my church, my community that I was a server and one who needed to be directed and submit to another's control.

However, it was pointed out to me (by the one that is now my beloved sub/hubby) that my personality was actually quite dominant, that I had many qualities that did not fit a submissive role and that throughout my life, even though I was serving, I was also directing much of what occurred and controlling the flow of many things.

So who was I? Luckily I was open enough to be willing to explore the dominant side of myself and much to my own surprise, I found myself outside my original definition of self.

I was no longer the straight middle-age vanilla married mother person that I started as. I began to experiment with things. I rediscovered the bisexual yearnings and desires of my youth that I had pushed back for years because of strict religious beliefs that had been forced on me. To my original disquiet and later delight I found I can be sadistically torturous. I learned that it is OK to enjoy men, women and those who embody and en-soul both in varying degrees.

I now find myself bisexual (still middle-aged, but feeling young again inside.. lol) kinky, sadistic as a Dominant top, enjoying light pain as a bottom(but not really submissive), in a marriage that is defined by my being actively poly when I wish while my submissive husbands activity is defined by me...and it is a very happy situation for both of us.

I think of myself now as an Alpha Female, which to me means I can pretty much be who and what I want at any given moment. I present 90% of the time as a Dominant Top but I can be Top or bottom. I can order someone to my feet or if the situation is right and ONLY if it is I can drop to another's.

I don't believe in putting on airs however. I'm not going to run around acting superior so that you know I'm a Dominant. I am dominant just because I am. It is a matter of honor and graciousness and personal strength of character, not some outward way that I necessarily act. Those who know me I hope see that strength and honor,etc. in me.

I want the way I live my life to define me, not some arbitrary title or caricature of what I should be.

I love the little kinky family that has naturally gravitated together and which I interact with in my life. You know who you are. I enjoy each of you immensely, and look forward to watching as our relationships fluidly move into the future together....

Marks

Why are we obsessed with marks? Why do we seem to strive to mark or be marked better, heavier, more intensely? Why does that seem to be the barometer with which we sometimes judge our play.

I watch the posts and the comments..


"Great marks!" ...when there is a nice pattern of bloody welts on a bottom.

"Fantastic Job!"...when a picture is posted of severely bruised breasts.


Why is it we seem to get some of the highest praises when we post pictures that show the most violence and pain done to our submissives or ourselves? If we do not leave physical marks on someone are we less of a dominant in some way? If we do not like being marked are we somehow less submissive because we are not willing to take it to that extent?

I'm not saying I have not marked submissives. I have and they wear the marks proudly. I have at times worn marks myself very proudly.


I have also marked my own submissive physically in other ways. He wears my rose and key on his thigh, inked permanently into his skin. He wears my ring in his scrotum where I had him pierced over a year ago now. We are both very proud of these marks also.


But what about the other marks? The ones you can't see. What about the marks we leave on someones soul?


I have placed and left marks on my submissives soul that run deeper than any bruises, deeper than any welts, deeper than the ink or the piercing. Marks that cause his cocklet to rise at the touch of my finger or a glance or a word from me. Marks that drop him to his knees and bring an instant "Yes Ma'am" from his lips where seconds before there was an argument.

I am proudest of these marks that you will never see, and that my fellow kinksters will never pat me on the back for because they are hidden, given in private, shared in secret...and yet these are the best marks. These are the marks by which I judge the quality of my own dominance, not whether or not I can turn you black and blue.

Quiet Presence

There is something to be said for simple presence.
Now there are those who feel that in order to be noticed, they need to dominate. To dominate the conversation, the activity, be the center of attention, or the boss of everything. "Notice ME" -- "I am important". But the ones who capture my attention are those who are more low key. Those who don't insist on informing the world about just how important they are.

I recently went to a weekend long gathering of several hundred fellow kinksters. For the first time, I went alone without my beloved submissive husband. I went with an open mind, to observe myself and others, to learn and to be open to new and varied experience. "Floating with the tides of the Universe" I went looking forward to experience whatever the weekend had in store for me.

I did a lot of people watching. I experienced a lot of things that were very new to me. I met many new people. I met many who I felt as if I knew because I have seen them around for years, but was never introduced before.

I saw the 'look at me' folks. I enjoyed dressing up and looking sexy myself all weekend and hope that those who did look enjoyed what they saw. But the clothes on (or off) everyone were only the first layer. I tried to spend my weekend looking deeper.

What I found was that scattered amongst the showiness were those (tops and bottoms alike) who seemed to have a presence. A quiet peace about them that said these people know who they are. They did't have to shout it out, or proclaim that they were MASTER so and so to everyone they met, in a loud and mighty voice. They didn't have to grovel to show they have the service heart of a slave. In both cases their actions showed it.

In a sense it is un-definable. But when you see these folks, when you meet them, you know them. I was honored to meet many and hope that I will have many more opportunities to not only communicate but to be in community and learn from each of them in the future.